Why is Change So Hard?
As a therapist, I hear this phrase often, “Change is really hard for me.” The truth is that it’s hard for most people. Why do so many of us loathe change when it’s such an inevitable part of life?
Some changes in life are anticipated, especially as we meet some common milestones, things like starting grade school, going through puberty, or moving out of the house. Just because these changes may be foreseen, doesn’t mean that adjusting to them is always seamless. Many children and adults struggle with adjusting to anticipated and even self-directed changes.
Other changes in life may be unexpected, such as environmental changes, natural disasters, job loss, or death of a loved one. With these types of changes, the shock of the change and feeling of helplessness can also play a role in exacerbating the difficulty of adjustment.
So why is change hard?
Our biology
There are a handful of reasons that we often resist, avoid, and dread change. One reason is our biology. Our brains are wired to interpret change as a threat that needs our attention and assessment. Evolutionarily, we tend to prefer consistency and stability in our environment. Reliably negative or abusive environments can actually be less anxiety provoking than environments that are highly unpredictable or volatile.
We like to know what to expect. We are naturally creatures of habit because it gives us a sense of certainty. Typically, when you’re afraid of the dark, you’re not afraid of darkness itself, you’re afraid of what you can’t see – the unknown. Change brings uncertainty as it disrupts our routines and forces us to create new ways of doing things.
The loss
Whether it’s a change we’ve chosen or not, change inherently comes with some loss. We experience a loss of the life or the self we knew. For example, even an exciting change like moving in with a romantic partner comes with a loss of your past lifestyle, letting go of old routines, and coping with the discomfort of the unknown as you navigate building a life together.
The effort
It takes energy and effort to adjust to change. Your body and mind can’t operate on autopilot when they have to contend with novel situations. This element of problem solving and decision-making can be subtle and operating in the background of your mind or it might be at the forefront as you create new habits with intention. Either way, it requires some effort on your part. It takes more energy to walk through a jungle than it does on a well-beaten path.
The discomfort
Let’s face it, it’s hard to be a beginner at something. Whether it’s a new hobby, a new job, or a new relationship, there will definitely be some fumbles as you get acquainted and learn new skills. Many people dread the discomfort of being a novice in unfamiliar situations and struggle to tolerate making mistakes.
Fear of judgment
As we adapt to change, we take on new roles and identities. It’s not uncommon to grapple with fears of judgment in new positions, relationships, or experiences. For example, when you’ve accepted a job promotion and are in charge of a team for the first time, you have to step into your new identity as the leader, renegotiate your relationships with your coworkers, and take on new responsibilities. All of this uncertainty sparks self-reflection and self-assessment, leading to self-judgment which can then be projected onto outsiders. In other words, you think that other people are judging you for the very things that you are judging yourself for.
Common reactions to change
It is not uncommon to have increased stress or heightened emotions in the wake of major life changes. Many people experience depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues as they cope with change and face the unknown.
Common emotional reactions to change:
Shock
Anger
Sadness
Anxiety
Shame
Helplessness
Confusion
Self-doubt
Tips for coping with change
Acceptance - Acceptance is a crucial step in moving through the challenges presented by change. Accepting the change also means letting go of the past, which can be emotionally painful.
Stay connected - Stay connected to your loved ones and your social support systems. It’s not uncommon to intentionally or unintentionally isolate yourself from friends or family when you’re going through times of stress or depression.
Maintain (new) routines - Develop and maintain new routines for yourself that you can lean on for a sense of consistency in your life as you face elevated uncertainty.
Get your needs met - Find ways to get your needs met in the new circumstances. You may not be able to call upon your old support system or engage in previous self-care activities. For example, after a breakup, choose a friend or two to reach out to when you’re feeling the urge to check in with someone.
Take it in steps - Adjusting to change can feel overwhelming and filled with endless tasks. Break your goals or tasks down into smaller, more manageable steps that can lead you to incremental progress and help you avoid burnout.
Be mindful of self-judgment - Be mindful of your self-judgment and the ways in which you are talking to yourself. Challenge your negative thoughts and refrain from attributing your self-judgment to others.
Practice self-compassion - Treat yourself with compassion during times of emotional hardship especially while you navigate novel situations. Learning a new life role is a process of trial and error and is bound to come with emotional ups and downs.
Seek professional help - Seek help from a mental health professional, especially if you find that your depression or anxiety is negatively impacting your relationships or your ability to find joy in life.
Recap on the top reasons that change is challenging:
Our biology - We are wired to fear the unknown.
The loss - There is inherently some loss in all change.
The effort - It takes energy and effort to adapt to change and create new habits.
The discomfort - Being new is uncomfortable as you’re bound to experience fumbles and make mistakes.
Fear of judgment - Taking on a new role causes self-reflection and self-judgment which often leads to attributing that judgment to others.
If you are interested in therapy to help you cope with change, reach out to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I’m the right therapist to help you.
About the Author: Sage Grazer, LCSW
I am a licensed psychotherapist providing online therapy to young professionals struggling with anxiety, burnout, trauma, loss, and relationship issues. I work with adults to help them develop the insight, skills, and resilience to cope with whatever life stresses come their way. I specialize in helping high-achieving women overcome anxiety and burnout to feel more confident, empowered, and effective in their lives. If you’re a resident of California or Hawaii, schedule a free consultation to learn more.